When couples become roommates, not sex partners,What to do.

By Funmi Akingbade

A few days ago I got a call from one of my numerous readers, a couple who wanted to see me by all means despite the heavy downpour. I insisted the appointment could be rescheduled due to the heavy rain but they insisted on seeing me.

On getting to my office the wife spoke first; ‘she said they wanted to see me because of the question their eight-year-old son’s posted to them which they could not honestly answer. Their son had asked: “why does daddy always sleep on the couch?” in the middle of the couple’s conversation.She continued: “We raised eyebrows at each other across the table, and looked at each other knowing fully that our little boy spilled the “secret” of our sexual dryness and drifting apart. Even though my husband tried to make him believe otherwise by saying “Your mom and I still sleep in our bed together,” but the boy quickly replied “Just not always anymore.”

“This is why we are here the wife said. We want you to tell us all we need to know so as not to drift apart sexually any longer.No matter how you say it, marriage and a double sex-filled bed should go hand in hand. Cuddling under cover night after night, initiating endless intimacy and sex makes marriage healthy. But sometimes sex gets lost in the shuffle of schedules and couples generally react to a bad case of drifting apart by either viewing sex as something to do and just get over. Or sometimes introduce pornography into their bedrooms, dangerously comparing their spouses to porn stars. Needless to say that couples can choose to use a dull time in their sex lives to reinvent it, to refresh themselves, and restore their closeness. Here are some ideas to jumpstart your sex life and gets it sizzling again. 

Make sex a priority; go to the extent of writing it on your calendar if you’re having trouble finding the time. While sex is certainly not the biggest part of a marriage, it is a fairly accurate measure of the health of your marriage. It will enhance your sleep and your energy levels so plan for the first week to have sex every night for a week. Yes, that includes the weekend! Why? Researchers say having sex usually begets the desire to have more. Ask your spouse what he or she needs. Men are different from women. Women need a reason; men just need a place. Men, if you truly want to touch your wife’s body, touch her heart first. 

Talk with her. Consider chatting her up in the kitchen as a form of foreplay! If you have young children, take over bedtime duties and give your wife precious time to make the transition from mommy to sex goddess! Honour her and be sensitive to her needs. Women, if you truly want to have a great intimate relationship, stop treating your man like he’s a rapist because he wants to have sex. This is his God-given desire and his best way of connecting with you. In general terms, sex might well be more important to men than to women. So make the most of it. Make it your goal to make every room in your house sexually appealing. Get creative, try a fashion show with lingerie – greet your husband at the dinner table wearing his tie and nothing else. Even if you breast is sagging make sure you are under a blowing fan, the cool air will temporarily firm up the breast making your nipple stand out and this will appeal to him greatly, or wake him in the middle of the night for sex wearing his favorite colour hat. Send a text for his eyes only.

Like this couple visiting my office, sometimes some couple need more than the ordinary to revive their sex life and create a passionate heat between them. 

For instance a very advance version of doggy style has been of tremendous help to many of my clients. So as my habit is I did not hesitate to introduce this ‘wonder working’ ‘all in one’ ‘ever ready to revive style’ to my visiting couple. This style can be practiced by any couple regardless of their age, years of sexual starvation or health condition. Most importantly, the advantage of this result-proven style is that it helps couples to experience erotic sensation and gain back lost feelings.

QUESTION ONE

I think my sex drive is normal, and I love having sex with my husband. But lately I feel turned off because he seems to expect sex as a reward for everything. If he gives me money to fix my hair, if he spends time listening to my problems, if he takes me out to see my parent, he expects to be rewarded with sex. I hate feeling obligated. Do I owe my husband sex?

Married life works best when both partners focus on ways to express love and meet each other’s needs. It would be good for you to try to change the way you interpret his interest in sex. If your husband communicates his sexual desires in those terms, try to see his desire for frequent sex as an opportunity for you to show love. Of course, we hope your husband will start communicating his needs in a less demanding way, but you can still choose how you want to interpret those requests. Your husband may be trying to win your heart by performing acts of kindness and service and I personally think you should be happy because out there are countless wives who would give anything to have what you want to throw away. I think this should be a fun experiment for you.

QUESTION TWO

My wife and I have sex regularly, but it’s always the same and I’m bored with it. The problem is when I try to spice things up, my wife becomes shy or embarrassed. Then I feel like a hunter ready to devour a prey, forcing changes where she doesn’t want them. I’ve heard that sex between married people should get better and better, but that’s not true for us. What can I do?

Commonly, women prefer sameness and men prefer variation. That’s just part of the fascination and frustration of being male and female. Often for men the fantasies about sexual variety are more exciting than the actual experience of some exotic position. For a woman, those experiments may feel aggressive because she’s uncertain how they’ll feel or how well she’ll perform. If you can talk to your wife about your feelings and listen to hers, it could lead to some helpful negotiating. Learning to adapt to each other’s wishes and needs is what marriage is all about. Being the one to “give in” or make changes is often hard, but it will improve your relationship. Marriage requires some give and take from both partners.

QUESTION THREE

When I got married six years ago, I was glad to see that my wife likes things orderly. She is much neater than I am which is great. But her desire for cleanliness has its downside when it comes to sex. Even though I shower and shave beforehand, the smells and fluids associated with intercourse bother her so much that we’ve rarely had sex for more than two years. Instead, I am now having sex with her best friend. I know it’s wrong but her friend doesn’t reject me like she does.

Share with your wife your concern for her total sexual enjoyment as well as your desire for the closeness that genital sexual union provides. Taking to adultery few years into your marriage will not help. There may seems to be some question about your wife’s desire for sexual play and orgasmic release that you may need to know if it is simply the messiness of ejaculation that’s bothering her, then try using a condom (which would contain the ejaculate) or having intercourse in the shower (where ejaculate would be promptly washed away). Keep in mind that sex for her isn’t just sex – as it may be for you. Women tend to express their sexuality as inseparable from their feelings and relationship desires.

QUESTION FOUR

My husband and I have been married three months. On our honeymoon, he got a bad chest cold, and let’s just say the honeymoon wasn’t what I had been waiting for all those years. Both my husband and I were virgins when we married, and I thought that our sex life would be exciting and unstoppable once he felt better. Now, three months later, I am the one who makes the move to get intimate. It doesn’t seem to bother him. He thinks that because he use to fast and prayed a lot while single to keep the sexual thoughts away, now that he’s married he is just still in that mode he can’t seems to come out of that. My question is how I am sure he is not lying to me? Can one fast and pray to the extent that he will not have any 

sexual feeling in this time and age?

Human levels of sexual drive are on a variety of levels rather than being uniform. Just as most men have a higher desire for sexual play and intercourse and most women less interest, individual differences may reverse this usual pattern.

Each of you should explore openly and honestly your deepest attitudes about sex. How did you learn about sex and what were your earliest sexual experiences? What were the constraints that helped you maintain your virginity? Are there expectations about sexual “performance” that present anxiety when you approach sexual interaction? Understanding yourselves and each other may help you find a more agreeable level of interaction. I’d also like to emphasize the delightful journey toward marital oneness. I fully understand how long three months of newly wedded sexuality may seem, but want to encourage you to be patient. If, in fact, prior to marriage your husband had been fasting and praying to reduce his sexual thoughts and drive, it may take some time for those patterns of denial to diminish. Your patient acceptance of his sexuality can help him overcome those old inhibitions. Affirm and reward his interest and continue to invite him gently whenever you want.

QUESTION FIVE

My husband does not have a problem getting an erection, nor does he lack desire to have sex, but he almost never ejaculates. Is it possible for a man to feel satisfied by intercourse even though he does not ejaculate? I know he used to be able to ejaculate years ago but cannot now. Can you help us out here? I enjoy sex and want to make sure he does too.

It’s important to recognize the full extent of the male sexual response. The arousal phase marked by erection also includes other physiological changes including increase in heart rate and blood pressure, rate of breathing, flushing of the skin, increase in muscle tension, nasal congestion as the “erectile tissue” of the nasal cavity become engorged, lubrication of the urethra (producing a sticky discharge from the end of the penis), and a shifting of blood to the pelvic area. As orgasm approaches, all of these changes increase until the orgasmic release occurs. Orgasm is most obviously signaled by ejaculation, the forceful emission of seminal fluid from the penis. This produces only a part of the pleasurable sensation of the orgasm. The contractions of the vas deferens and outer leg muscles in a rhythmic cycle; the intense muscular contraction of large muscle groups such as the buttocks, thighs, and abdomen; sweating, a respiratory response; and the relaxation that follows all contribute to the intense pleasure of orgasm. These may occur to varying degrees during a particular sexual experience and as a man ages. Consequently, a man may have a satisfying experience without ejaculation. If the other aspects of arousal and orgasm are present, there may be no cause for concern.

One explanation for this may be that he is having “retrograde” ejaculations. In this condition the seminal fluid is directed back up the urethra into the bladder rather than externally out of the penis. But this could be treated if you both so desire. It is also possible for ejaculation to be inhibited by psychological factors (such as fear of pregnancy or financial stress), physical factors (such as fatigue or alcohol use), or as side effects from some medications (such as tranquilizers and antidepressants).

---